


Tomato says sorry, and other important lessons

by ICryYouMercy (TrafalgarsLaw)



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Gen, malcolm can never be bored or bad things will happen, post-politics, so this is a way he has been made to fight boredom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrafalgarsLaw/pseuds/ICryYouMercy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All the stories mentioned actually exist. Thanks to pintpotjudas for telling me about Princess Smartypants, and thanks to zabbers for the really, really awesome list of children's stories. You've both helped a whole damn lot.</p><p>The stories can be found here:</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1nyjFvTmo">Everybody Knows that Goats Don't Dance</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0Auf3SdVRs">Winnie the Witch</a><br/><a href="http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freunde_(Kinderbuch)">Friends</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_MSE1ipwmU">Tomato Says Sorry</a><br/><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pettson_and_Findus">Pancakes for Findus</a><br/><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pettson_and_Findus">When Findus Was Little and Disappeared</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwCxW7Nx4Ec"> I Need My Monster</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeGdU5Yr7uw">The Gruffalo</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3EWPcox_GI">Go The F**k to Sleep</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12x_vUd1nYo">Green Eggs and Ham</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl6jIUz0e4o">Princess Smartypants</a><br/><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_the_Youth_Who_Went_Forth_to_Learn_What_Fear_Was">The Story of the Youth Who Went Forth to Learn What Fear Was</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOGv3Cptb7I&feature=youtu.be">Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNnUHx3nWcQ&feature=youtu.be">Baaa</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFNZvJbzmms&feature=youtu.be">The Grouchy Ladybug</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cj4wDLF6VY&feature=youtu.be">Alone</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9jY0fu4SyI&feature=youtu.be">There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhGR_evk2X4&feature=youtu.be">The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales</a></p></blockquote>





	Tomato says sorry, and other important lessons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [glioscarnach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/glioscarnach/gifts), [Zabbers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zabbers/gifts).



Malcolm still isn't entirely certain as to how, precisely, he has ended up in a kindergarten, reading picture books to toddlers. There was something about giving back to the community, and improving the image of politicians, and something about how Malcolm was the last person who should ever be allowed to feel boredom, and then things happened, and here he was.

The book he is reading from tells the story of a witch and her black cat, and he isn't entirely certain what sort of lesson this is supposed to teach anyone, and mostly, the children seem more interested in the picture of the funny-coloured cat that in the actual story. And Malcolm has to admit that the idea of a cat with a red head, a yellow body, a pink tail, blue whiskers, purple legs and green eyes is rather amusing, for a children's book. And the drawing manages to do it justice.

Of course, the second he realises this and starts feeling even a bit less terrified and confused and annoyed, the questions start.

"Do you have a cat, Mister Tucker?", a child with a dinosaur t-shirt and messy brown hair asks him, studying him intently.

"No," Malcolm tells them, and turns back to the book again, only to realise that no, this one really is finished, and there is no more distraction to be found in it. And there are no other books anywhere nearby that he could use to change the subject, and it is nowhere near quarter to twelve yet, so he couldn't even leave under the pretence of class being over.

"Do you not like cats, Mister Tucker?", the child asks, undeterred by the short answer.

"No," Malcolm says again, knowing full well that the answer would not be sufficient to anyone, let alone a child of five.

He is rescued by the teacher, handing him yet another book, and smiling at him, something between reassurance and approval, an oddly patronising expression, and Malcolm thinks about feeling offended for a split second, before he realises that the expression probably was one intended for small, sticky children, and probably just happens by habit and not intent these days.

The book in his hands is yet another well-read picture book, the cover informing him that goats don't dance, along with a few mountains in the background, and a cartoonish dancing goat contradicting the title already.

Malcolm sighs, and manages to disguise it as a deep breath, and starts telling yet another story, one that should probably teach children about being true to themselves and about doing what they like and what they are good at. And the dancing goat really was rather entertaining, even though the children insisted on having all the proper sound-effects that came with the story, and Malcolm was desperately trying not to think of the blackmail potential that him yodelling for the entertainment of a bunch of toddlers would provide.

This time, the brown-haired kid doesn't ask anything, instead settling for poking a blond-haired kid wearing more pink than Malcolm would consider healthy, until that one looks up, and then away rather quickly, mumbling, "Can you dance the Fandango, Mister Tucker?"

Malcolm does not hide his face in his hands, and does not rub his forehead, and does not pinch the bridge of his nose, and takes a deep breath to keep himself from saying anything mean or harsh or insulting. Then, he says, "No."

There are no further questions. Instead, dinosaur-t-shirt-child hands him yet another book, a wheat field, a bicycle, a pig, a rooster, and a mouse on the brightly coloured cover. _Friends, by Helme Heine_ , it reads.

"It's my favourite," the child informs him.

Malcolm flips the book open, and then finds himself reluctantly endeared. There is something disquietingly familiar about a number of disorganised animals being menaces to society. And the drawings really are quite nice.

Dinosaur-kid watches him expectantly all the way through the story, only to not ask any questions at the end, instead poking yet another child, this one looking something like a pirate, or maybe just someone with rather little patience, fine motor skills or self-preservation instincts. And pirate-child actually looks at Malcolm while mumbling the required question.

"Do you have a best friend, Mister Tucker?"

"No," Malcolm tells them, harsher than he intended to.

Pirate-child looks down, and then away, and then mumbles, "Sorry."

The other two follow suit, and then suddenly, so does everyone else, and Malcolm looks across to the kindergarten teacher, hoping for an explanation, or maybe some advice.

The teacher instead claps her hands once, and starts sending the children home for lunchbreak.

And one by one, the kids say goodbye to Malcolm, and as though it weren't bad enough, having to endure roughly twenty rather sticky handshakes, there a few of them insist that he needs to come back tomorrow, to tell more stories.

And then they are gone, and Malcolm is standing in the hallway, feeling a bit lost.

"The children seem to like you," he is told. And then, "Maybe you really should come back, if you have the time."

Malcolm makes a sound roughly the acoustic equivalent of a shrug, and says, "Maybe."

***

But the next week on Monday, Malcolm is back at the kindergarten, because no matter how annoying children could be, sticky handshakes and invasive questions were still the most social interaction he has had in the months since quitting politics, and even he knows that never leaving his house again wasn't a feasible or sensible decision.

And so he goes back, this time in jeans and t-shirt instead of the suit he wore last week. He doesn't need pristine suits these days, but neither does he feel the need to senselessly expose the ones he has left to the destructive force of kindergarten children and fingerpaint.

The teacher greets him with a pleased smile, and then makes him help her to find all the children, and make them sit down to listen to yet more stories. And dinosaur-kid, wearing yet another dinosaur t-shirt and a rather impressive collection of scrapes and bruises, hands him a book to read, not quite meeting anyone's eyes, and radiating defiance and hurt pride.

Malcolm takes a look at the cover, and then looks at the kid again.

"We made you angry last week," dinosaur-child explains. "Mom says we have to say sorry for that."

Malcolm isn't entirely certain what to say, but finally settles for an "it's okay", and then starts telling a story about a tomato committing not quite murder and mayhem. The drawings are atrocious, and the story has a moral that is about as subtle as getting hit over the head with a sledgehammer, and Malcolm wonders whether children are really that slow on the uptake, or if it's just that adults think they are.

There are no annoying questions this time, and the next book is rather better illustrated, judging by the cover. It's called _Pancakes for Findus_ , and doesn't seem to have any sort of moral. It does, however, have a talking cat wearing green pants, and a grumpy old man, and pancakes. Malcolm can't help but smile a bit at that.

"Do you like pancakes, Mister Tucker?" a child asks. They are neither wearing pink, nor dinosaurs, not bruises. Instead, they look almost too neat, with their curly black hair tied back into a puffy pony-tail, and their bright yellow summer dress pristinely clean.

"Yes," Malcolm says. He picks up the next book.

"So do I," the child says.

"That's nice," Malcolm says.

This book is called _I Need My Monster_ , and Malcolm almost reflexively wonders whether it would be a good idea to tell children about monsters under their beds. And of course they insist on proper monster noises, and their delight at the various monsters is enough to make Malcolm almost smile.

There is Herbert, and then a monster with nailpolish, and then a monster wearing a pink bow, and then a puppy-monster named Mac, by the time the boy has his monster back, there are two children peeking at him from behind their hands, and dinosaur-child is clinging to pink-child. Malcolm can't quite keep a pleased smile off his face when he closes the book. It's reassuring to know that he still knows how to deliver horror-stories.

"Do you believe in monsters, Mister Tucker?", pirate-child asks.

Malcolm doesn't know what to say. Of course there are monsters, far more scary than Herbert or Ralph or Gabe, but he doesn't think he could explain that sort of horror to children, and he doesn't think that it would be a suitable subject at all. So he settles for shrugging vaguely, and saying, "Yes."

The children nod at that, and one of them asks, "Are you scared of them?"

"No," says Malcolm, and stands. He says goodbye to the children, and then to their teacher, and leaves just in time to avoid having to go through a kingergarten-saying-goodbye-ritual.

And then, instead of going straight home, he stops at the bookstore a few streets away, and asks to be recommended a few books to read to kindergarten-aged children. Partly, because he wants to be prepared for all eventualities when he goes back the next Monday, and partly because he never, ever wants to read anything as horribly illustrated as the tomato-story again, and the easiest way to do that would be to bring his own books.

***

And Monday comes around again, and Malcolm is back at the kindergarten, still a book short to make up enough story-telling time, but it's better than nothing. And he doesn't think there are too many books as bad as the tomato one, so it might be enough for this week, at least.

The teacher greets him with a smile and a nod, her hands covered in glue and glitter, and most of her attention taken up with trying to keep two children from fighting about who can have the glitter pen first.

Malcolm sets the books down on a chair, and then goes to collect the children for yet another half-hour of storytelling.

"I've found you another monster story," he says, and opens the first of his books. This time, he doesn't need to be told to do all the voices and sound-effects, and he finds himself falling right back into his usual how-to-terrify-people pattern, and the children react accordingly, moving closer to each other, and getting nervous, and then the Gruffalo finally shows up, and Malcolm feels incredibly pleased with himself when the children start giggling at the mouse's bad luck.

When he sets the book aside, the teacher is considering him with a strange look, and Malcolm worries if maybe, if this book was a bad choice, the other one would be downright unforgiveable. And so he picks up the other book, turns it over, and then asks, "Maybe that wasn't a good idea?"

At that, the teacher smiles, and shakes her head. "Don't worry, you're doing fine."

And Malcolm decides to take the risk, holds up the other book for her consideration. She stares for a moment, and then laughs. "Children, can you tell me what words you aren't supposed to say?", she asks her class.

There is a moment of quiet, before the child with the curly hair, this time wearing a light-blue summerdress, whispers "fuck". And it's like a dam breaking, after that, with the children trying to outdo each other with cursing for the following minutes. Malcolm feels his jaw drop, and can only watch in astonishment at how even the very best of his cursing is effortlessly outdone by a group of sticky, pleasantly smiling children.

"You should be fine," the teacher eventually tells him, and Malcolm opens up his next book. It's still far from bedtime, but he hadn't been able to resist a book with a title like that, and it was, after all, censured out.

"I also found this," he says. "And I know it's not bedtime yet, but I liked it, and I thought you might too. It's called ' _Go the Fuck to Sleep_ '."

And dinosaur-child giggles at that, and another child with a bright-green monster-band-aid on their forehead whispers 'fuck' to themselves. Malcolm smiles, and starts reading. And every single swear-word is eagerly greeted with giggling and whispers, and at some point, Malcolm is surprised to find himself giggling along.

"Are we allowed to say all these words, then, Mister Tucker?", pink child asks when the story is finished, and several children are leaning forward, as though that might influence the answer.

"No," Malcolm says.

And the children manage to look so terribly disappointed that Malcolm finds himself relenting.

"Yes," he corrects himself, and then adds, "But don't let your parents or teachers catch you."

"So it's a secret then," pirate child asks.

"Yes," Malcolm says, and then turns to the teacher, for a third book.

It's another book about the grumpy old man and his talking cat, and Malcolm does all the right voices and sounds, and while the book might provide less action or entertainment than the two before, he still can't help but like the story, especially the carefully colourful illustration and the amount of careful and surprising details hidden in the pictures.

And, of course, the inevitable happy end, where the cat is found, and everything is alright again. Malcolm closes the book, and sets it aside.

"Were you ever lost?", dinosaur child asks.

"Yes," Malcolm says.

"Did someone come find you?", pink child asks.

"I don't think anyone wants to," Malcolm says, and stands to leave.

***

When he comes back the next Monday, he brings a book called _Princess Smartypants_ , and some cake.

"I owe you an apology," he tells the children when they ask about the cake. "I left without saying goodbye last week, and that was very rude of me and I'm sorry I did that."

"It's fine, Mister Tucker," dinosaur child finally says. There are cakecrumbs all over their face, and they look rather pleased with themselves and the world.

Malcolm smiles for a short moment, and then flips the book open, to tell a story of a princess getting rid of unsuitable suitors. There are no animal voices, and no sound effects, and he finds himself curiously disappointed about that fact, even though he can't help but feeling happy for the princess and how she got rid of the last suitor.

And he closes the book, and looks at the children listening, and he tells them, "She did the right thing, you know. You shouldn't trust people who think they're better than you."

"Do you want to get married, Mister Tucker?", dinosaur child asks, and Malcolm wonders why they never learn.

"I can't," he says, and picks up the next book.

And there are no animal voices in this one, and no funny sound effects, and so Malcolm hesitates for barely a second before instead, he tries to imitate the voices from the animated movie as closely as possible, complete with what music and background noise of the video he can remember.

And that's when he realises that against all expectations, he seems to be enjoying himself.

"Did you ever eat green eggs and ham, Mister Tucker?", pink child asks.

"No," Malcolm says. And then he realises that there is no next book to pick up and avoid conversation. "I don't think there are green eggs," he says.

Quiet settles over the classroom, and Malcolm would really like to leave, before any more questions might be asked.

"Would you try green eggs and ham, if someone cooked it for you?", the child wearing yet another strangely clean summerdress asks.

Malcolm wants to say no, and not talk about it anymore. But there are no books, and it's barely a quarter past eleven, so it's not an option he has. "If the right person cooked it, maybe," he says.

The children seem to consider this answer for a while, before pirate child finally asks, "So you would try?"

Malcolm shakes his head at that. "It would never happen," he says. "He doesn't even talk to me anymore."

There is another moment, and the pirate child tells him, "Maybe you need to tell him you're sorry."  
And Malcolm decides that really, he can leave early for once.

He finds his way to the bookstore, finds a copy of Grimm's fairy-tales, and then, upon careful reflection, goes to buy alcohol and crisps.

***

He goes back to the kindergarten on Monday with a rather spectacular black eye, a split lip, and several broken ribs.

The teacher stares at him in shock, and the children crowd around him, asking if everything is okay, and what happened to him, and Malcolm doesn't smile, because that would only make things worse, but he manages to tell them that maybe apologising wasn't the right solution.

He tells them about a youth who went forth to learn what fear was, and the children giggle about the gallows, and then worriedly move closer and closer to each other while Malcolm describes the haunted castle and the ghosts, and can't help smiling when some of the children start trying to hide behind their friends. And then the boy survives the first night, to the relieved giggles of the children.

And Malcolm decides to play nice for the moment, and manages to get the children laughing about ghost bowling, and then has to settle for slight confusion about the episode with the anvil, and delighted smiles about the boy getting his princess, and some more laughter about the annoyed princess waking up her husband in the middle of the night with a bucket full of icewater.

"Maybe you need to try more than one time, too, Mister Tucker?", says pink child.

"Maybe," Malcolm says.

Dinosaur child offers him a next book, titled _Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day_. Malcolm feels vaguely grateful for being spared the usual happy ending and upbeat message of never giving up.

Still, he wishes that running away to Australia would solve things. Because that might be the sort of solution he could actually handle, as opposed to the usual ideas of apologies, forgiveness and dancing in sunlight forests wearing flower crowns.

But he still feels sorry for Alexander, and it seems so do most of the children, and Malcolm isn't sure what to make of that. Because he has seen more than his fair share of bad days, and he knows there's nothing to be done about them, but he has the feeling that it should. Someone should be doing something, and that is a feeling Malcolm isn't comfortable with experiencing.

"So, what do you do when you have a bad day?", he eventually asks the children sitting across from him, and then bites his tongue, because surely, asking pre-schoolers for life-advice has to be some sort of punishable offense.

"Eat chocolate," summerdress child suggests.

"Hug my teddy-bear," pirate child says.

"Be a pirate. Or a dinosaur," dinosaur child says.

Malcolm isn't sure that any of that advice would be useful to him in his current situation, and he is almost ready to either leave or find another book, when pink child speaks up.

"I hide with my best friend, until the bad day is over," they suggest, quietly, gesturing towards a child dressed all in blue.

Malcolm tries to project uncertainty without moving either his face or any part of his upper body, and says, "And when that doesn't work?"

The children exchange uncertain glances, and Malcolm really needs to find another book to read from, if only to change the subject.

And then blue child raises their hand, and when Malcolm looks at them, they say, "Maybe you need to say sorry to your friend. Maybe then he lets you hide with him."

"I'll go and try that again, then." And Malcolm says goodbye, and leaves.

***

The next Monday, Malcolm can add a broken nose to the rather impressive arrays of injuries. And as though that weren't bad enough, he's clinging to the most disturbing children's book he has yet seen as though it were a lifeline.

The children actually manage to look worried, once they're all sitting and waiting for the next story, and before Malcolm can begin, blue child, after some whispering and shoving, raises their hand.

Malcolm nods at them.

"What happened, Mister Tucker?"

"I tried apologising again," Malcolm says. "And he gave me this." He holds up the book, but doesn't open it.

"Is it bad?", dinosaur kid asks.

Malcolm shrugs. "It's about sheep eating each other. I'm not sure why."

Malcolm sets the book down next to his chair, and picks up another one from one of the shelves. As much as he would have thought he might enjoy telling children horror stories, he doesn't think there would be any use telling them a story as bleak as this one.

This one has a giant ladybug on the cover, and the illustration is the usual patchwork style so often used for children's books. And to Malcolm's horror, he finds himself actually identifying with the title character.

"Maybe you can try that, Mister Tucker," pirate child suggests.

"Tire him out or offer him food?", Malcolm asks.

"Why not both," pink child says.

"Why not," Malcolm concedes, and wonders how this has become his life. And then he picks up the next book, and starts telling the next story. It's about a stinky cheese man, and a little red hen, and Malcolm just hopes that this one doesn’t try to teach any sort of important lesson to pre-schoolers, because whatever lesson it might try to be teaching, it would seem to involve far too many drugs to be quite reasonable or practicable.

The children seem to enjoy it, though, and there are a lot of different voices in it, and Malcolm is not quite able to suppress a smile.

And he figures, considering the circumstances, he might just try to keep this going for a while longer, read another nonsense story about flies and spiders and cats, and avoid important lessons and probing questions in favour of simple entertainment, something he doesn't need to think about too hard, while he considers the advice about trying to apologise yet again, this time probably by way of food. It might not work, but he doesn't think Jamie would punch him again, now that he really does look like he'd had an unpleasant encounter with a steamroller.

When he says goodbye now, blue child stops him before he can leave, and when he leans down to hear what they want, he gets a brilliant smile, a rather sticky hug, and then blue child tells him, "The cake you brought us. That was good. Maybe your friend likes it too."

***

The next Monday, Malcolm's face still looks rather terrible, but he brings cake, once again, and a book about being alone, and the children still seem a bit worried, but Malcolm thinks that maybe they, too, can feel that something has changed.

He hands out cake, and thanks blue child for their advice, and it's almost a quarter of an hour before he manages to get all the children to sit down and be quiet enough to tell them a story.

He tells them about Toad panicking, and about a rather inadvisable trip on the back of a turtle, and he has just turned the page delivering the morale, when there is a knock at the door. Malcolm is startled enough to almost drop his book, and everyone's head turns to watch the teacher walk over, and open the door.

And that's when Malcolm really does drop the book.

"I've been looking for you," Jamie says. "Bastard," he adds, and then wanders over to sit next to Malcolm, and hear the rest of the story. And steal the last piece of cake, the one that Malcolm had been saving for himself.

**Author's Note:**

> All the stories mentioned actually exist. Thanks to pintpotjudas for telling me about Princess Smartypants, and thanks to zabbers for the really, really awesome list of children's stories. You've both helped a whole damn lot.
> 
> The stories can be found here:
> 
>  
> 
> [Everybody Knows that Goats Don't Dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1nyjFvTmo)  
> [Winnie the Witch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0Auf3SdVRs)  
> [Friends](http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freunde_\(Kinderbuch\))  
> [Tomato Says Sorry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_MSE1ipwmU)  
> [Pancakes for Findus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pettson_and_Findus)  
> [When Findus Was Little and Disappeared](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pettson_and_Findus)  
> [ I Need My Monster](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwCxW7Nx4Ec)  
> [The Gruffalo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeGdU5Yr7uw)  
> [Go The F**k to Sleep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3EWPcox_GI)  
> [Green Eggs and Ham](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12x_vUd1nYo)  
> [Princess Smartypants](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl6jIUz0e4o)  
> [The Story of the Youth Who Went Forth to Learn What Fear Was](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_the_Youth_Who_Went_Forth_to_Learn_What_Fear_Was)  
> [Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOGv3Cptb7I&feature=youtu.be)  
> [Baaa](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNnUHx3nWcQ&feature=youtu.be)  
> [The Grouchy Ladybug](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFNZvJbzmms&feature=youtu.be)  
> [Alone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cj4wDLF6VY&feature=youtu.be)  
> [There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9jY0fu4SyI&feature=youtu.be)  
> [The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhGR_evk2X4&feature=youtu.be)


End file.
